What's this guy up to? I want to drink it, not sell it on ebay.
I love coffee. A quick cortado with some cardamom (holy hell, I didn't know you could smoke it, thank whatever powers that be for wikipedia) on top, possibly accompanied by a thin cigar and most certainly accompanied by a couple of friends is a bliss indeed.
Ok, but how do I ingest it?
The coffee-related article on wikipedia that started me on writing this was Coffee and health. I knew coffee to be a laxative, a stimulant and bloody good as palpatation-inducing ristretto (I quote The ristretto shot of espresso is one of the most fiercely debated and favourite topics amongst the coffee cognoscenti... Ahh, what would we do without the www to produce such pearls once in a while) but that was about it. I wanted to know if them rumors of the coffee antioxidants having some proven effect on cancer-prevention were true or no. What better place to go than the wiki, always ready to say too much on any given subject, that multitude of voices striving to outdo one another with somewhat credible sources.
Reduced risk of Alzheimer's disease
Several studies comparing moderate coffee drinkers (about 2 cups a day) with light coffee drinkers (less than one cup a day) found that those who drank more coffee were significantly less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease later in life.
Now that's a very nifty effect and one I can use to support my too-frequent request to sit down for just one more refill. Hey, you want me to get alzheimer's here? Sit down.
Cognitive performance
Many people drink coffee for its ability to increase short term recall and increase IQ.
Likewise, in tests of simple reaction time, choice reaction time, incidental verbal memory, and visuospatial reasoning, participants who regularly drank coffee were found to perform better on all tests, with a positive relationship between test scores and the amount of coffee regularly drunk. Elderly participants were found to have the largest effect associated with regular coffee drinking. Another study found that women over the age of 80 performed significantly better on cognitive tests if they had regularly drunk coffee over their lifetimes.
Take that, dimwit detox dabblers! (Actually I love the detox idea, but I'm way too lazy to adhere to something like that for more than an hour or so. Maybe I'll go detox or fasting when I quit the Marlboros. Any decade now, promise.)
Okok, no more lengthy wiki quotes. It goes on to state that coffee has a positive effect in various ways (also indicating almost absurdly exact levels of intake for this effect to take place).
Reduced risk of gallstone disease
Reduced risk of Parkinson's disease
Analgesic enhancement
Antidiabetic
Anticancer
Cardioprotective
Laxative/diuretic
Antioxidant (seems the rumors I'd heard was right)
Prevention of dental caries (woha!)
Gout (even more woha!tion...but looking in the mirror now, I'd have to say that part can't be true...maybe if I increase my intake...hmmm)
Well that's it for positive effects, now on to the nasty bits.
Anxiety and sleep changes
Many coffee drinkers are familiar with "coffee jitters", a nervous condition that occurs when one has had too much caffeine. It can also cause anxiety and irritability, in some with excessive coffee consumption, and some as a withdrawal symptom. Coffee can also cause insomnia in some, while paradoxically it helps a few sleep more soundly.
Ahh, wikipedia, where else would you see a term like coffee jitters. Regular encyclopedias would sell much better if they took their cue from this. Of course, they'd also sell well if they had nude women on every other page, but that's beside the point.
Cosmetic
Like tea, coffee causes staining of the teeth.
Hey, don't rob the baking soda industry of their main source of income. Drink more coffee.
Wiki goes on to state that various other detrimental effects can be had, concerning
Constipation
Cholesterol
Blood pressure
Effects on pregnancy and menopause
Coronary artery disease
That's it. In any shape and form of a race or competition I conclude that coffee clearly has way more positive effects than it has negative. Also, it gladdens my heart (lord, that's a tolkienesque phrase, no?) to find that almost all of the good stuff isn't happening at all if you do decaf. Decaf is clearly evil (insofar as an enlightened secular humanist can claim that anything is evil).
So...beautiful. We all secretly want one.
This clip shows a before and after where the before comes first for tension-building. We see their badly sculpted decaffeinated and nescaféd skulls on a shelf. Cut to lively (if thieving) sheep followed by some people whose wits are so dulled by decaf that they completely fail to spot three sheep bustling about their apartment. Cut once more to the poor thieves who fall out of a window (clearly symbolizing their fall from caffeinated grace) and a last dramatic close-up on the evil decaf nescafé package (much like the final moments of Angel Heart or the last effect in Carrie).
Quite plainly so, no?
In conclusion: drink coffee, drink it caffeinated, drink it regularily, drink no more and no less than four cups a day and then stuff your mouth with baking soda overnight to keep them teeth whitish. The only detrimental effect that worries me is on the cholesterol. What's the point of avoiding parkinson's, alzheimer's, gall problems, cancer, gout and dental caries (hell, throw in BSE too, why don't you, that list is just too damn impressive) only to drop dead from a heart attack at an early age. Happily that cholesteroly thing can be prevented by using a paper filter. Sadly, it then tastes like...a laxative. Means you'll still need those regular check-ups...
Orchid? You're not supposed to smoke those beans.
Now if only this positive/negative ratio was the same for cigs, not exercising, bad diet and malt whiskies, then mankind would be all set.
Note that despite my above playfully referencing to smoking stuff, I'm quite opposed to drugs stronger than those mentioned here at the end. In fact, I'm such a nerd I never even tried anything stronger than a cigar and a Bowmore. Really, I'm that straight edge (my body is a temple, if in ruins).
...actually, not in too bad shape and certainly not in ruins, but it sounded good as a finishing line...and now I went and ruined it...clearly my IQ is faltering, Quick, barista, another cortado over here!
/the ignorant Swede
No comments:
Post a Comment